New Year; New emotions?

Can we really stick to our resolutions? Does anyone actually succeed in reinventing themselves or is that a lie hollywood just wants us to believe? It’s hard to follow resolutions, and it’s hard when you’re not someone who normally flakes but you just can’t do it.

Fiercely determined yet a failure of personal life is something I know only too well. It’s a trait I share with fictional and hollywood loves, I am a personal mess. I know this.

” Being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap is very different.”- Cristina Yang

I am aware of my crap, but can I over come it? Is it truly possible for me? I’m not entirely sure as a creature of habit. Humans can retrain their brains, they can hardwire themselves differently but will it ever be enough? Will it really help you?  I wish I knew if I could do it, and if my stubborn brain would not resist. Knowing what you must do helps very little if you can not accomplish what you must do. As new year is rung in, we must think and consider if we set the bar too high for ourselves.

Do I want a thicker skin, an ability to let things go and be unbothered? Sure I do. Do I want the side effects of that? My loss of high levels of empathy, my sensitivity to others feelings, and my own understanding of my emotions- for all that to leave?

Do I want to be less stubborn? Who doesn’t? But I don’t need to have a black and white view on everything. I need to see in shades of grey. I need to be able to understand the benefits of my mess instead of trying to rewire it. To understand that my stubbornness should rear itself in times it truly benefits me instead of me pushing away the entire notion of it entirely.

My goals for 2017 are highly crafted for myself, and that’s how it should be. My resolutions are between me and I.

Quit putting yourself down for feeling and be amazed at the wonder it gives you. The deep joy that words can simply touch you, and make you feel alive.

“You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s ok to let down your guard. In fact, sometimes it’s the best thing you can do, as long as you choose your moments wisely.”- Meredith Grey

You don’t need to control yourself. You need to embrace yourself.

love from 2016

Drink: lemongrass ginger & citrus tea

Omens

“I think the person I have a crush on I might be talking to right now,”

“Oh Shit. I really do have a crush on you too,”

The air was full of the mouthwatering smell of hot dogs on a grill. My hands were wet and stained from tie-dying. I was having the time of my life. My heart was pounding while I typed. It felt right I suppose at the time. The night went on, and I pulled out my camera. I have a love for taking photos on that day. The lights, the bright in the dark, everything’s pretty. We’re celebrating our life, so it only feels right. The wind picked up.

It’s like the wind knew I was making a mistake. It was telling me to not do what I did. It blew and it blew and it didn’t knock down my thoughts of you until I was too far in. I was too deep. My phone was in my pocket and I was promising to talk to you in the morning. My best friend pulled out a sparkler with green tips on the ends. She lit it as the sun started to set behind the clouds. The skyline was golden, and I have to admit…I kept one photo of it. Just that one before it all went bad.

The photos were beautiful, but then again they always are. Sometimes when I shoot I just go trigger happy with the shutter and I pray for the best. Kind of like button smashing in a video game. Its messy, like me I know. But sometimes when I have time, I take my time. Maybe we were trigger happy? I mean I created a goddamn playlist for you within the next week I’m sure. I can’t check for dates since it’s been deleted.

But as that sparkler was lit, and the wind bellowed across the valley the real omen came. All it took was one spark.

See we ran across the court to the field. It was golden brown with drought ridden grass, and we didn’t even consider anything. I was vain in the moment but who isn’t? The single ember fell and suddenly everything was on fire. The dead grass was burnt to a crisp. We swore profanities and our hearts beat out of our chests. Here I was having just gotten into a relationship when I could be in trouble in mere seconds. My heart was beating already from the idea of falling for a girl, and then now I was anxious over the fire. Fight or flight sparked within me. I automatically fought.We were saved by kind neighbors, drowning the flames in water.

We smothered the fire…maybe I smothered you was what it was.

Maybe omens exist for a reason but thing is we may know something is an omen or a sign but always after the fact. No one sees a terrible thing in the distance. We all have strong gut instincts, I do for sure, and I always follow my gut but what happens when your gut doesn’t give you the warning? What omen is there for you follow? It’s not there, or you’re too blind to follow it. I accidentally lit a field on fire the night I got together with my first ex girlfriend. That doesn’t just happen you know?

We were always burning but the problem about burning love is that it doesn’t last. When you light a match, it burns the entire match. Fire destroys. Our hearts were kindling that love took a hold of, and set ablaze. What’s left is bitter, coarse, and burnt remains of what once was. The screenshots and the texts, the, now blocked, numbers, snapchats, instagrams, and twitters.

Omens are always there if you look hard enough.

drink: Country Peach passion from celestial tea fruit sampler pack

Just like life

This is a follow up I suppose. My last post was all about how my life restarted as the snow fell across Chicago, which by the way has become a winter hell vortex. And now?  My school semester has ended. I survived in more ways than one, but enough about that. Maybe another time.

Something I noticed while trudging through the streets, being pelted with snow, and a wind chill was that- snow isn’t like rain. Rain falls steadily and fast, or sometimes slow with heavy drops. But it’s always the same way. Its straight forward, it falls down to the ground in steady streams. But with snow…snow is more like life. It’s crazy. It’s erratic. It stops and starts again. It falls in the most beautiful way, it floats down from the sky. It goes left or right but it’s path is never straight forward. Life isn’t straight forward, and it shouldn’t be. My life this semester wasn’t. But I shouldn’t expect it to, and I have to work on that.

I like control. I like order and structure and when I can’t control something I get anxious. It’s no surprise I was planning my first year of college since I was in middle school, and it was no accident that I got where I am today. I worked and I worked. It’s probably why I tend to focus on live TV technical producing, I control what’s on screen. Why I like to edit. Because I put everything together, I’m calling the shots for the project. But this need for structure and control goes beyond just career, it impacts everything.

Even relationships. Not to say that I’m a terrible person in relationships but control is a powerful thing. Repetition and control of that. I have to let that go. I have to stop expecting everything to be so perfect or shaped how my mind wants it. I have to let my love take me in different ways that I never expected. I should want spontaneity- which is hard when social anxiety is constantly telling me to plan every single event I ever go to. Being in love with the unexpected is hard, and very hard to say yes to.

This year I picked up Year Of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, and it struck me because it was me. Simply me. The excuses, the neverminds, I ‘never say yes to anything. I wouldn’t be so brave to claim that 2017 will be my year of yes, because I know my faults, but it’s time to stop shying away from what I truly need.

My life should be like the snow. It should be me falling gently through hardships and letting life take me where it’s supposed to.

(like someone’s masterclass and Hamilton SF 2017...)

Drink of choice this post? Kava Stress Relief from yogi tea (which I ironically didn’t open until after my finals were over. It’ll keep me company while I continue my Jake Gyllenhaal movie binge watch between plane delay watching.)

The First Snow

December 4th 2016. Let’s preface this by saying that where I come from there’s no snow. No snow on Christmas, most people drive hours to get to Tahoe to get even the smallest amount of it. It’s not anything I’m used to. So I checked the weather maybe sometime mid last week and my eyes lit up. There I saw the little snowflake icon in the iphone weather app. Snow!

My life took a turn this past week full of me getting a nasty viral bug, a pretty bad breakup, and the stress of finals finally taking a toll on me. So to see snow on the weather app, kind of made my day. Yesterday I eventually pulled myself out of the hole of wallow and self pity you generally get in during a breakup and I went outside (and got myself some chinese food). It was still ‘the night before’ but in straight up Lorelai Gilmore fashion, I could taste the snow in the air. I knew this taste before. When I was 12 I attended a science camp up towards Tahoe in California, it snowed in April during our trip. We were all severely under prepared but I remembered that taste. It’s not something you forget.

I fell asleep excited and I woke up just an hour before snowfall today.

Snow is magic. 

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You know I’m surrounded by natives here who deal with the snow every year and they complain about how wet it is and it makes everything cold. You’re damp for hours afterwards and it’s just a hassle. But for me this snow is something new, it’s fresh, and realizing it now…snow is a reset button.

When I first saw the flakes come down past my window this afternoon a sense of renewal burst through me. I just got through a messy break up and the snow spoke to me. It told me that it’s okay to start again. You get a fresh life when it snows.

I did venture into the snow today, and I took one deep breath and smiled as it came pouring down ontop of me. It soaked my beanie, it made my knees damp, I was finally able to wear those snow boots I bought,  and those flakes got very close to my eyes. But I was starting over. I walked, smiling at everyone I saw. I tasted the air, I tasted the actual snow, and I felt good. Some areas of the side walk were slushy, others were firm. There was a beautiful small garden park covered in a white wonderland. I didn’t take a picture because the snow was so heavy out. I paused when I stopped at streetlights and just let the snow fall over me. I let it fall onto the palm of my gloves. It covered my hair, and my purse, and my jacket. But I was okay with it. I started to see this white blanket cover everything and it covered me until I got home. I feel clean. I feel refreshed, and I feel like I can accomplish things. I no longer feel weighted down by my mistakes of 2016.

That’s the story of how I pushed reset on my life while going to buy milk at Trader Joe’s during the snow.

Drink of choice this post? Trader Joe’s brand peppermint hot cocoa x