An Elephant never forgets

I’ll never forget the first cough. The way my body rattled as I coughed. It was too much for a nine year old’s body to handle.

I grew up with fairly average allergies. I’m from the City of Trees. So pollen season is nobodies friend. We’re all sharing the Kleenex from January to May. My skin is a little more sensitive than most and I’m allergic to grass which just meant I got a rash when we played out in it. Allergies never seemed like a big deal and when they bothered me I just took over the counter medication. But then I was nine.

I was in third grade and that’s when I got it. The coughing that made me physically hurt. My back was in agony, and I was coughing up mucus roughly the size of my thumb. It was terrible. I went on all these different medications until I finally had to go to the doctors. I got an x-ray of my chest. I had an x-ray before then when I was either seven or eight, I was in second grade when I broke my arm for the first time. So I have pneumonia.  But what I didn’t know at the time was I also had asthma. I wasn’t diagnosed with asthma until I was older but when I got all my medication for the pneumonia I was given an inhaler alongside everything. I got medication. Augmentin to be precise.

Right augmentin ruined everything. I was taking time off of school and once I was on medication I could finally return right? I broke out in hives at school and immediately went back to the doctors for another prescription. While I was coughing so hard I was afraid I would pull a muscle mind you. I eventually took amoxicillin and the infection cleared up after weeks. Just because it clears up once doesn’t mean that’s the end.

I go through the rest of elementary school fairly healthy. I sometimes had trouble breathing when I ran during PE but it was such a short section of the school day I didn’t really think about it too much. I was still able to run so that was enough for me. It wasn’t enough by the time I was 12 and starting 7th grade. PE became hell. Throughout my middle school career my fastest mile time was 9:34, which was fairly decent but I would have to stop and start and walk and I would feel like complete garbage after I ran. I would be coughing and my throat would feel like it was on fire, it was like the wind was knocked out of me every day for 12 minutes of class. I was fed up. I was diagnosed with allergy and exercise induced asthma by the end of 7th grade. My inhaler made things a lot better but I will always have breathing problems when I run, no question about it.

And in 8th grade I got pneumonia again.

The aching the wheezing and the mucus returned. I don’t remember too much about that time but what I do know is week after I got over it…I broke my wrist and thumb again. Needless to say I was frustrated. My body was falling apart and I was only 13. It’s no fun constantly filling yourself full of steroids and caffeine thinking you’re having an asthma attack when you actually have a pneumonia. You get jittery after using your inhaler, especially when I had just recently got my inhaler and was very sensitive to it at first. I remember one instance where I used it the night of the Olympic Opening Ceremony, the London summer games. I was up all night after the ceremony because I was so jittery I couldn’t relax. After a few years I got used to it finally.

So I go through highschool and something happens the winter break of my senior year. I had sort of weaned myself off allergy medications. It still seemed too early to be taking them I mean who’s allergic to things in winter?

I am of course.

It’s winter break and I’m trying to eat and suddenly things aren’t right. There’s this feeling in the back of my throat. It’s almost like food kept catching there and I wasn’t swallowing right. I gave it a week or so and I started to try and see if it was one food doing this to me. I knew meat was a big irritant and I made the switch to just broths and soft foods and soups for two or three weeks. By the time I returned to school I had lost a lot of weight, and I was already slim to begin with and I was having trouble concentrating. We finally got in to see a GI doctor and that’s when I went through test after test to figure out what was going on. I had over six vials of blood drawn I remember, and I got x-rays done of my trachea to make sure my anatomy was right. It didn’t show me anything except I had a small trachea which I already knew because I had trouble swallowing pills up to then. That explained it. And the choking feeling which I believe I have always had but that year it finally got irritated enough for me to really be bothered by it. Then my doctor decided on an endoscopy.

Endoscopy is just a camera down your throat to look at your throat and upper stomach. I was 17 at the time so I was admitted to the peds wing for surgery. Which I actually loved. I remember that my surgery was delayed. I didn’t have a separate room, I was there for out patient surgery, or same day surgery. Which means that I was in the same room as all the ER patients who needed surgery, for peds. Something peds does to make the kids feel more at home for the short, scary, amount of time they’re waiting is give them a custom pillowcase. I sort of knew this one endoscopy wouldn’t be the end of my hospital visits, ever, and I took the pillowcase I got directly to my heart.

Who doesn’t love elephants?

I always liked them for sure. I liked a lot of animals when I was younger, giraffes for sure, and flamingos. I remember I had stuffed animals of each. So elephants wasn’t out of the blue for me to enjoy and I had always cared about conservation as well. This pillowcase however was given to me. I didn’t have a choice. It was there and they said at the end of your procedure you got to keep it. That gives you hope I think. Obviously I wasn’t there for a life threatening procedure. I had already binge watched 11 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy by then and sure I had horror stories running through my mind. My hospital is a teaching hospital which is one of the things I love about it. I want to help others education even if it means some of my care is well… messy. They’re learning still. But still I held onto hope. If I survive this, I can survive whatever the hell my body was throwing at me.

My procedure went fine. I like being under anesthesia. It’s the best sleep i’ve ever had. I was carted into the OR, I could hear some resident talking about a position they turned down and then I was out. Waking up was fine. I wasn’t over the top or saying weird things. I was just groggy and I couldn’t walk. I was also starving. That’s all.

The endoscopy showed that I had EOE.

EOE is Eosinophilic esophagitis. You can read more about it here, but the basics is that it’s white blood cells that collect in the throat due to respiratory allergies. It presents as heart burn but it was undetectable for me. I have to take heart burn medication for it. But that wasn’t a cure all for me. I started taking it and three weeks after my endoscopy I started coughing. It was a nasty cough and so much time had passed that we were in denial. It is common to get pneumonia after an endoscopy but it would have presented sooner is what we believed. It was all the warning signs of pneumonia. I go back to the doctors and my resident is busy so as a teaching hospital they assigned another doctor for a consult. We were waiting for five hours for the doctors and then they misdiagnosed me. Okay maybe misdiagnosed is a strong word but they were wrong. I was told to take over the counter medication and get a humidifier. Within the week I was coughing up blood and I went to the ER because I had trouble breathing.

I got an X-ray and our fears were right.By the way the peds ER is amazing. The nurses are so nice and they had music playing from their stations, and there was one point where one nurse came around and he blew bubbles at everyone. It was fun. I of course was just hooked up to a nebulizer until my lungs opened. That’s when it got scary. The doctors came over to me and we began talking about how many cases of pneumonia were on my chart. It was a lot for someone who’s generally healthy. There was a brief period where we did testing for cystic fibrosis. I would hold my elephant pillow tight and I would worry. I knew that the next step if I was diagnosed would generally be a lung transplant. I am thankful every day that I do not have cystic fibrosis and I look up to those who do have it. I know half of your struggle. I know parts of your chronic pain. We are not too different. I am a lucky one. I don’t loose hope for others to be lucky though.

I eventually did allergy testing and went through appointments until I was prescribed other medication to keep the allergies in check alongside the medication for the EOE. Things settled out. My pneumonia went away. I’m always paranoid it will return and I don’t think the fear will ever leave. I don’t know why my body does this. I get a pain in my back and I start coughing and the fear starts. It’s frustrating. But nothing is more frustrating than my recent illnesses.

So in June of last year I had a check up endoscopy to see if the medication was working. Only a few allergies cells showed up on the biopsy. I’m not cured but I have hope again. I went to college for the first time this year and I had several events that caused anxiety. Through out my first semester I started having stomach pain. I believe now that it may be anxiety induced but it was so bad I would stay home from classes. I also finally made the decision to go vegetarian because of it. I knew meat irritated me because of the EOE, and I could even be allergic to certain antibiotics in the meat and all these possibilities. I just gave it up because even if maybe I just had a bad sandwich once, it wasn’t worth it for me to keep supporting the industry as whole. It was a conscious choice I will never regret. The illness eventually kind of went away but I had to have another procedure for that. I got my second pillowcase from that trip. That pillow case has wonderwoman on it and I love it. I love it a lot.

The main influence on me throughout all of this was being patient with myself and with time. Test results are some of the scariest moments of your life and when I taught myself to have faith and to trust my doctors and to stop myself from worrying endlessly over them the more I was able to hold onto hope. I didn’t have life threatening diseases or surgeries here but they a take a toll on my life. When I got my elephant pillow I felt like I was being told to hang on. Since then I’ve researched elephants, I’ve donated various ways to multiple charities and signed petitions to end elephant poaching because that pillow made me value myself so why shouldn’t I value them. It was this weird twist of fate that I received that pillow case and I will never know who made it. But it was during that time of the year when Ellen Pompeo started to get involved herself with a lot of conservation of elephants and really opened my eyes to what needed to be done. I felt like fighting for elephants gave me this voice that was so personal because in some way through that pillow case they fought for me.

Elephants are strong but they’re also patient and some of the most intelligent animals. The phrase an elephant never forgets is rooted in the elephant’s expansive mind and ability to recall events and things. I will never forget the path that led me here and I will never forget the herd I found alongside me and that pushed me through. I suffer and I struggle but I also have patience.

I will never forget.


Actors are not their characters except when they are

You know the phrase. You know that actors are simply acting as their characters. Nothing more nothing less. Actors well they act. It’s simply their profession. This phrase is very handy in dealing with actors who are playing villainous roles and not quite the most amazing human beings. You write off what they’re doing as a character and make sure that crazy internet stalkers can distinguish them as a real person.

Acting is a real and true profession one of which I respect with my whole heart and it is actors that have had a great and profound influence on my life. But that’s just it right there. Actors have influenced me, and so have their characters. I think we need to discuss that while actors are not their entire characters, in situations such as TV especially, an actor is our first experience of a character.

What I mean by this is obviously characters are the sum of their writing but each actor has their own flare and style, yes? So you take that style and apply it to a character and thus you get what culture perceives as what character was written. Little bits and pieces of an actor are sprinkled through out each character. Which is why I really don’t like to ‘separate’ them so much more as fluently understand who the writer wanted portrayed and what really comes through in an actor. I don’t believe seeing portions of themselves in a character is bad acting because I think some people can only play a role if they’ve experienced a said feeling.

It’s fun to see an actor’s quirks and how they bring those to the table, or nevertheless hid them from the table. I believe in strong characters coming from strong actors. Or if they haven’t been in that emotional situation then they can empathize with it and that’s what’s very important. Empathy.

Empathy is a wonderful thing and I don’t think we have as much of it as we once did. Empathy towards actors is also important. I don’t want to go on too long about it but we have to treat actors as they are. Human. That’s simply it and have empathy for them despite their lifestyle. Behind every ‘rich’ person there is a person who’s dedicated to their craft and we should treat with respect as we would a coworker or friend.

Sometimes actors can be their characters, they can feel them so deeply and be so moved that they sign on for that very reason. Are they always exactly their characters? No. And don’t expect them to be throwing every ounce of themselves behind someone who’s a polar opposite on them. Just simply watch and see, let them show you who they are and who they play. Sometimes its not what you expect.

The tango with tv

We all escape and we’re all avid consumers, let’s skip the whole introduction where I tell you how much influence TV has had on my life and just why it means so much to me and yada-yada-yada..

Let’s go straight into the tango with TV which is more like a jittery mess you’d find on SNL rather than a sensual romantic twirl on Dancing With The Stars

You get hooked, drawn in and brought into this magical world. No matter the story you’re always supposed to be escaping or have a sense of thrill in enjoying the story. If your TV isn’t making you feel something, it’s time to change the channel my friends. Find something that sets your heart on fire and you sitting on the edge of your seat in anticipation for the drama that’s going to hit the fan next week. Start dancing it out, and have some fun.

You dancing yet? good. Now are you seasons in and finding yourself attracted to the show you were going to call your spouse but are now reconsidering your marriage to this tv show because they killed THAT ONE CHARACTER.  Oh yeah, we all are. So what do you do when the the dance becomes a stumble?

Do you walk away? (to go get a snack?)

I think that we all have at one point or another some show that’s very dear to us that does us more dirty than an ex has but we still stay. Part of it is that routine of watching it. The thrill of this story you’re following. You know its turning into a flaming garbage pile but you can’t be satisfied leaving it. You hate the love triangle but you have to know your strong female character made her choice and it was the right one in your mind. I think something that’s very important about all of this is that dissatisfied viewers become informed viewers. What that entails is to not simply say ‘oh I hate this it’s awful’ but rather to say okay this was awful but lets fix it, or that you could have done this instead. We as viewers need to be active in understanding that our logical choices may be exactly why they aren’t being indulged- they’re too obvious and pleasing.

Obviously when a show begins to disappoint their viewers we have to think of and to respect the creative forces behind everything. Fans and their death threats and petitions really don’t do much unless its an issue of racism, homophobia, or an issue of how sexism is handled in the show. So it’s important to say that even if you’re frustrated, angry, and sad- never take it out on the creative team they are trying their best and are generally not trying to piss you off.

That being said there is a way to support a show and not necessarily support the content they’re putting out. Unless it is specifically harmful in the content it’s releasing and then you have to consider the eventual attention it may bring to the issue they have, if it’s being let go or perpetuated by the content and so on. But you can hope and seek to aim for the show to do better. We like to cling onto hope, it gets us through. So yes my favorite show and I are doing the cell block tango but that doesn’t mean I have to cast it aside. I can sit, I can grumble, I can actively analyze, but most of all I can’t loose the hope. I started on this journey and I do want to see it through. If that means I have to suffer through and maybe skip through portions I don’t want to see I will. Because I have hope.

Drink of choice:

Super berries- English Tea Shop