This is a follow up I suppose. My last post was all about how my life restarted as the snow fell across Chicago, which by the way has become a winter hell vortex. And now? My school semester has ended. I survived in more ways than one, but enough about that. Maybe another time.
Something I noticed while trudging through the streets, being pelted with snow, and a wind chill was that- snow isn’t like rain. Rain falls steadily and fast, or sometimes slow with heavy drops. But it’s always the same way. Its straight forward, it falls down to the ground in steady streams. But with snow…snow is more like life. It’s crazy. It’s erratic. It stops and starts again. It falls in the most beautiful way, it floats down from the sky. It goes left or right but it’s path is never straight forward. Life isn’t straight forward, and it shouldn’t be. My life this semester wasn’t. But I shouldn’t expect it to, and I have to work on that.
I like control. I like order and structure and when I can’t control something I get anxious. It’s no surprise I was planning my first year of college since I was in middle school, and it was no accident that I got where I am today. I worked and I worked. It’s probably why I tend to focus on live TV technical producing, I control what’s on screen. Why I like to edit. Because I put everything together, I’m calling the shots for the project. But this need for structure and control goes beyond just career, it impacts everything.
Even relationships. Not to say that I’m a terrible person in relationships but control is a powerful thing. Repetition and control of that. I have to let that go. I have to stop expecting everything to be so perfect or shaped how my mind wants it. I have to let my love take me in different ways that I never expected. I should want spontaneity- which is hard when social anxiety is constantly telling me to plan every single event I ever go to. Being in love with the unexpected is hard, and very hard to say yes to.
This year I picked up Year Of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, and it struck me because it was me. Simply me. The excuses, the neverminds, I ‘never say yes to anything‘. I wouldn’t be so brave to claim that 2017 will be my year of yes, because I know my faults, but it’s time to stop shying away from what I truly need.
My life should be like the snow. It should be me falling gently through hardships and letting life take me where it’s supposed to.
(like someone’s masterclass and Hamilton SF 2017...)
Drink of choice this post? Kava Stress Relief from yogi tea (which I ironically didn’t open until after my finals were over. It’ll keep me company while I continue my Jake Gyllenhaal movie binge watch between plane delay watching.)