TV saved my life last fall

This post is going to be deeply personal for me, I just want to preface. I may cover topics such as implied sexual harassment, and mental health so I want to warn readers that I will try my best as to not be overtly detailed as to cause triggers. But I will let you know I do cover those topics. Also I have omitted names, as well as some other fine details because they’re too sensitive or not in my place to speak of.

So I started my first year of college last year. This drastically impacted me being across the country from home, being in a large city, and being alone from all my friends. It’s no surprise I felt depressed at times, or I struggled with opening myself up to making new friends. But something that really hindered this was my living situation at the time. I’ve opened up to close friends who know exactly what happened as I told them in real time because some of what I witnessed or lived through is quite honestly something so bizarre and unspoken about it could be a tv pilot.

But I do want to say that in that time Television was my solace. I had several moments inside my apartment where I did not feel safe. It was during this time that I sought out using the tv as a distraction. Thing is I would binge 30 Rock, and eventually completed the series last fall because it was all my distracted mind could focus on. That and Grey’s Anatomy. Which I had finished the year before and can basically recite like the back of my hand.

Now when I say I didn’t feel safe in my apartment you have to understand some things.

First, I shared a bedroom and a bunk bed with another girl. I was on the top bunk. She over the time spent in our room was a terrible roommate. And no it wasn’t that she was just loud. There’s really no excuse for doing laundry only twice from August 31st to October 28th. She would let her hamper overflow to the point where she began to leave laundry on her bed, she never put away clean clothes so they laid with the soiled ones, and then it became a large pile that stacked all the way up to our window sill. Once I climbed out of bed and found she had thrown a thong onto my chair. This was not all though of course it couldn’t be.

I told you I wasn’t safe.

See as the laundry accumulated, she had also moved out of our room. She began sleeping in our living room next to the couch on the floor, which she littered with instant noodles and chocolate pudding cups. She did not tell us why.  I, being a shy and timid person, had not really interacted with her much. Through all this she had boyfriend troubles so every few nights we all pitched in and did damage control for her emotionally. So as things progressed she just grew angry and agitated, coming back home from spending the night at her boyfriend’s dorm and slamming the bedroom door as she came in while I ‘slept’ (or pretended to be asleep so she wouldn’t talk to me). Throughout this time she had been coming in and out with her boyfriend through the days and there were a lot of moments where they had sex in the bathroom and we all could hear it. There wasn’t so much of a group text to let us know to leave. I was locked out of my bedroom without my phone once. But then she broke up with this boyfriend. There was a period of time where she would bring home random guys.

There is nothing wrong with a woman having a lot of sexual interaction, but when it puts other girls at risk that’s where it’s a problem. Not only was my roommate putting herself in danger with a stranger, she put us in danger as well. One such time when she was agitated if I remember correctly, I did what any logical person would have done. I went to the room next to mine, closed the door, sat on the floor with my other roommates and I made them watch the Grey’s Anatomy pilot.

Watching the pilot made me feel so at peace in a time where I did not know what was going to happen to me. I think what made such an impact on me was that I was watching characters who didn’t have a firm grasp on life as I did in that moment. They felt lost, they felt unsure of the world they had just stepped foot in and so did I. We felt safe for 43 minutes.

Then the random guys brought alcohol into the mix as well. So the girl I shared a bedroom with would bring men we both did not know home, while intoxicated and underage, and not tell any of us. I guess I slept through a few nights where my other roommate walked some of the men out of the apartment in the middle of the night because this girl was too drunk. So as this was happening I was sleeping.

I can not tell this story without mentioning that she sexually harassed my other roommate while drunk however that story is not mine to tell but I will say my story comes back into this because she and I discussed it a few days after.

I felt guilty over it because that was one night when this girl came home very drunk, crying and she eventually called her mom and she was very loud. It was 11 or 12 at night and I had an 8:30 the next morning so I closed our door, and tried to block out the noise. That was when the harassment occurred and I wish that I hadn’t shut down and knew what to do in the situation but I didn’t.

So the victim and I were talking about what happened and about reporting her when she tells me that the girl had been bragging to her the night before about having sex in her bunk with a random guy while I slept.

I couldn’t sleep for weeks. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t feel safe, my privacy had been violated. The worst part of all of that is that I do not know exactly what occurred and I do not know if I myself was touched by them at any point in time. My sense of self was so out of place from then because I truly do not know. I woke up clothed that is all knew.

We eventually reported her and that was when my other roommate and I began to binge Grey’s Anatomy together because it was something that took our mind off of what was happening. Suddenly we were afraid to come home at times we knew she was there.  The process of deciding to report her and to who was a messy blur. I remember hiding at our starbucks around the corner and then in our lobby until I knew she wasn’t there.

But once it came to the time where the sexual harassment offices got involved I did not report, although my roommate reported and then I went with her to follow up meetings with officials to verify her story with my own. It was because of this that the biggest incident happened.

I was sitting, doing homework on a Thursday afternoon where I didn’t have class. Everyone was having class. Or so I thought. She had been taken into the title ix offices and told of the accusations against her. I got a phone call from her that I stupidly picked up.

I heard “Why are you lying,” and I automatically responded by saying that it wasn’t me filing a claim against her that it was the other roommate and it was confidential so I could not discuss the case with her before hanging up.

I felt my heart racing to the point of I felt faint. My face was blushed, I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. I had no choice, I didn’t know when she was coming home. I did NOT want to see her. I felt in danger. I closed my laptop. I sent an email to my RA, I told her I didn’t feel safe and I also let my other roommate know. She asked me to come to her room. At this point I felt very weak. My heart was pounding in my ears, I felt the need to pack everything up because every bad thing I could think of raced through my head. What if she came back and broke my camera? My laptop? What if she stole my clothes? What if she…what if she-?

I eventually grabbed my purse and made my way down the hall. I knocked on my RA’s door. While I waited the elevator dinged multiple times, and each time I jumped with panic that it was this girl coming back to our apartment. Once inside my RA’s room she led me to her couch while she went to make a phone call to her adviser to tell her the situation.

I found myself on her couch watching whatever she had turned the TV to.

It was Grey’s Anatomy.

I didn’t touch anything, I didn’t even realize until my heart had slowed down and I heard that voice that made my days so much better.

Grey’s Anatomy actually saved my life. Hearing just the familiar voice of Meredith Grey that I had developed a connection to over 13 seasons actually ended my panic attack. At that moment nothing mattered. I watched for those five minutes before my RA came back in and talked to me. Those five minutes took me away from the emotional hell I had been living in for weeks. It took me to a hospital where I knew everyone’s name, and I didn’t feel at fear for what could happen to me. That’s all that mattered. Grey’s Anatomy made me feel safe. I will always be in debt to Shonda Rhimes, and to the cast, to Ellen Pompeo- for making a show so full of heart that it became the light in my dark.

and to my RA for  having it on. She didn’t know. She was catching up on some studying with it on as background noise when I came to her. TV transcends itself by being such a staple we live on and for me it was such a sign. TV came to me when I needed it the most. I needed it for an escape and it provided that. I don’t know what would have happened had it not been playing when I came over because it was such a terrifying situation. This girl was also bipolar and off her medication and had been for weeks. Her behavior was erratic and extreme which made me fear for my safety a lot and knowing she was angry at me led me to a lot of anxious thoughts.

Now that she’s gone, Grey’s doesn’t leave our TV often. After having binged the entire show my roommate promptly started again. It’s on when we eat, it’s on while we study- it brings peace to us because we had to make our apartment our safe space again. We didn’t move out, she did. But the places where she hurt us were still there.

“When something bad happens there’s always a handful of beautiful things that come out of it “- Ellen Pompeo

I write this because I was just diagnosed with anxiety/depression and I made a promise to myself. If Greys can last this long, why can’t I? Obviously my livelihood does not depend on the show but understanding that I have over 300 options of episodes to calm me down during the worst of times is comforting. It is time that I stop blaming myself, or questioning why this happened to me but to put myself forward to not be prisoner to my anxiety anymore. So what, something bad happened to me but I found beauty in how I was saved.

“What’s broken can be mended, what’s hurt can be healed. No matter how dark it gets, the sun’s gonna rise again”- Meredith Grey.

TV will always be there next year too.

It’ll be there and it’ll be safe.

tea: wildberry zinger 

My Person: Where are our female friendships?

I want to preface this post by giving a little bit of insight about me. I haven’t always been a social butterfly and growing up I had a small central friend group that broke entirely around the time I was in 10th grade. Ever since then I understood how hard you have to work for a friendship, and how to regain friends, and just simply overall I had a hard time. So I have my one female best friend right now whom I refer to as my person and I have a small close, tight knit group of other friends who are primarily long distance or online friends. For me, an introvert, that’s really beneficial.

So let’s get into this post. What’s it about? My opinions

no really though,

I want to discuss how we see friendships of women in tv and how beneficial it is to younger viewers. I’ve always found in times where my own friendships were scarce or failing, I can find something to bond to. How women a portrayed on media is really a precursor to how women in society act. And what I mean by that is that young girls see what’s on screen and without knowing they mimic it. It’s a subconscious thing, where you aren’t aware of it. You imitate Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica more than you think- trust me. We like to take snippets of pop culture and reimagine ourselves through it.

What female friendships do is give women standards that they can expect from each other, and say that I want someone like that- and it’s honestly about bringing one another up. Friendships are not always conventional and I’ll discuss how the infamous “I’m your person” phrase from Grey’s Anatomy comes about next.

If you haven’t seen the scene, here it is:

 

Okay so let’s talk about context. Cristina and Meredith have only known each other for a season and Cristina is pregnant with Burke’s baby and she doesn’t want it. In order for Cristina to sign off on the abortion she has to put someone down as an emergency contact. She has no family in Seattle and chooses Meredith to be her ‘person’. Cristina is no nonsense about feelings, and generally has a disposition of focusing on her work rather than personal life. She shuts away a lot. Meredith and Cristina get along fairly well by this point in the series as work friends, they’ve gone out drinking with the rest of the group before but they’re hardly what’s considered a normal best friends situation.

Which again begs a question of what even is a normal best friend situation like? Newsflash there really isn’t one as long as you aren’t manipulative or abusive, which friendships can be. Cristina marked their friendship, and despite her never following through with the abortion due to other causes- Meredith kept her obligation her. She became her person and in return Cristina became hers. They were always there for each other even if they didn’t agree with each other, or if they bickered or disagreed- there was a mutual respect and the want for each other to thrive and grow. Girls supporting girls does not have to be a complex idea. It really just means letting your friends exist in an environment where they feel appreciated and understood. You don’t have to text every day or get fancy with gifts for them. You just have to be someone to lean on and someone who they can let go with.

There’s a beauty in women’s friendships because women feel inseparable when they’re with someone who understands them. What Cristina and Meredith demonstrate is this thing that I witnessed at a younger age because of the broadcast program I was in but it’s that women in jobs have this weird like sixth sense friendship. I don’t really understand it fully myself but what I knew is I attached to this girl and we were the best of work friends. I went to her place sometimes. Hung out once in a while, she was part of my friend group that broke but I stayed on this fence between friends and work friends. But more so I felt like even though I wasn’t her best friend, or person, I could trust her. Trust is such a big part of female friendships. That’s what’s important here. TRUST.

I had issues in friendships where I was manipulative or mean, because I wanted control and I desperately never want that in a friendship again.

Okay so now let’s talk because Cristina Yang left Grey’s Anatomy in s10 after a messy season where she fought with Meredith a lot- and that entire storyline was suddenly and magically solved whereas in my opinion it needed better closure. So Cristina has been gone for years now and I just find that frankly what Grey’s Anatomy is putting forward isn’t enough.

Grey’s season 13 is lacking strong female friendships. And what’s worse than that? They’re breaking girl code 101 by creating this weird as hell love triangle between Meredith, Nathan, and Maggie. Like for me it was always neither of you get the guy until someone says I’m fully over him and confidently prove that. But that’s just me apparently.

There’s this constant drag and pull from the writers about Maggie finding out about Meredith going behind her back and sleeping with Nathan, which in itself is a terrible problem I won’t get into. Why is this something viewers would want to see is my question.

I briefly want to bring back the idea of trust and how it’s been broken, several times by the main character in question and how Maggie being betrayed is so harmful. So many people have brushed off this storyline with well Maggie should stop being a drama queen and give Meredith who’s had it worse the man. But you don’t see here that the drama isn’t necessarily around Nathan. He didn’t take no for an answer and Meredith eventually gave into his persistent bothering. However Maggie isn’t upset Meredith slept with Nathan. Maggie is upset Meredith lied to her about it, she went behind her back, she did not discuss any of it with her, and all while fully understanding that Maggie never told her explicitly she was over Nathan. The lack of trust between them is the real issue at the core of the matter.

(and psa girls, if you have to hide your man from your half sister I will just give you some advice…he ain’t worth it)

and yes rereading what I just wrote above makes me feel like I’m 14 and it’s the day after prom, and I’m trying to list through the drama that went down. It’s tiring. Slightly humiliating to actually care, or want to care about. Again though, that drama from highschool was hardly girls lifting each other up until about my actual prom where we kind of tried harder with each other. If girls stood up for one another, a lot of drama from highschool would be cleared up in a day.

Look Meredith Grey doesn’t have a lot of people left in her life. She’s lost her friends, her half sister, her mom, her dad doesn’t exist anymore, her husband’s dead, and her best female friend left her.

Yes Meredith and Alex are cute and he understands her but there is no female best friend for Meredith right now and I think that it’s something she’s lost and she needs. The undeniable strength that comes from women fighting for each other is something we all need more of. So why is it that we have to suffer as viewers through the one person Meredith was sort of opening up to, thrown down the drain every chance we got?

She’s there one second, not the next. I think it’s very sad for teens to be catching up with the show and see the absence of that. Meredith is still the main character. She is the goal. She is who you watch and you care for and you make sure you root for her. I do understand that there’s side friendships like April and Arizona (who don’t have as strong of a bond as I think they’re hyped up to have by the fans. That is my opinion however). But I struggle with even those because forgive me if I’m wrong but shouldn’t the common thread in every relationship be the connection to Meredith Grey?

Some characters seem to forget Meredith even exists. It’s very frustrating as a fan because I’m not inclined to care for them if they can’t care for Meredith. April and Meredith haven’t been friends since season 6 I’m convinced. Like there is the friendship?If they don’t have a good one that’s different but frankly they don’t act like each other exists. Same with Arizona. She only cares about Meredith when she’s distracting Alex from something. When was the last time these girls leaned on each other? Cared for each other?

I’m not asking for some amazing astounding friendships but like come on here. I get it, I’m a lot like Meredith Grey. So yeah she can be a bit hard to make friends with, let’s say that. But I truly think that even just one stronger female friendship for her instead of these plot lines based on proving she’s grieved, which she hasn’t properly done, but that’s another post too. I also have an argument that all of her friends have peer pressured her into taking risks she’s not ready for but I won’t cover that either. What I will say is that using the continuous drama that I could walk into a middle school campus and find, is just pathetic really. Using that for every ad, for every promo, it’s boring. I miss caring about these relationships.

So when you threaten to break Maggie and Meredith’s trust down, again…you’re harming two characters I highly identify with and I would love to see them support each other. Because not only does Meredith not have anyone, but Maggie is alone too. They have this mutual need for control and the need to be right but where as Maggie is the moral scientific way and Meredith fights for what she thinks is right which can be a bit ethically murky. On top of this they’re half sisters.

I don’t have a sister. But I do have cousins who are sisters and the one thing that I really observed is that we need more sisters sticking together. I mean frankly at this point because I feel that this season is written so out of character for Meredith the least they could do was add in some female friendships for younger viewers to hold onto. This idea of who’s being more petty just puts people on the outs with each other, while the real people you need are someone who will save a life with you- come on.

Alex doesn’t have all the answers for Meredith, and I don’t think we should rely on him to. I haven’t even touched on Meredith’s relationship with Amelia simply because the two repel each other only because they’re highly similar people.

The exclusion of female friendships is harmful because it leads to the idea of a woman who thinks she can not lean on others. When you don’t see strong women beside each other it is then when the negativity, the shaming, the I’m better than you idea comes into play. Because you’re out to be higher than another woman instead of caring about her like you would a sister or a close friend. You don’t have to be best of best friends with every woman you meet but to empower them? It doesn’t take a lot. It takes being kind and being there for them. I would be lost without strong women in my life and I had to seek out women that would be as strong to me as I am to them.

But what my main point here is that there’s been a movement through younger generations of calling each other their person, and creating this idea of someone who will stand with you through anything and yet that idea is lost currently. Women deserve friendship and knowing that they still can find friendship despite how dark it can get. I miss that part of Grey’s a lot. Women supporting women is EVERYTHING.

So I leave you with this moment from Paley Fest.

 

moral of the story is

HOES BEFORE BROS

Drink of choice: Tropical Green tea from English Tea Shop

 

Sunshine

I want to open this with a foreword, I had the privilege of being a member of the 2017 Paley Fest event featuring the Grey’s Anatomy cast yesterday afternoon. During this event they streamed 13×18, due to air in two weeks, and Ellen Pompeo’s directorial debut. I will try my hardest not to spoil the episode in this post but the overall theme of what was discussed and viewed hit very close to home for me and as such I will be mentioning that. This is your warning now.

My mother had a life change as we transitioned from the 90’s to the 2000s. She had been working at a hospital in the bay area, on night shifts forever. That didn’t change when I was born either. Due to this she missed a lot of pop culture television, for example she didn’t get to watch Friends. She only watched whatever was on in the hospital offices at the time. In 2001, when I was 3 or 4, we moved and then she decided to become a stay at home mom while being a paid “nanny” close personal friends. My mother was taking care of up to 5 kids at once, when only 3 were her own. Throughout this time tv was obviously an educational tool as we grew up.

Let’s talk about how my passion for TV developed from this, since I am a TV major after all. We had a Tivo I remember, and what I would do before elementary school is as I got ready and ate breakfast- this was before I had developed my craving to watch broadcast news-I would watch as much as I could of something we had taped. I also did this with DVDs. I would watch until I finished my breakfast and then got ready, and watched a little bit more because my mom needed to wait for the 2 other kids to be dropped off at our house for carpool. It was a routine of mine, and my mom never found it to be an issue. I mean I was watching children’s programs after all.

My mom was always constantly encouraging me, and watching with me, and taking me to movies too. I have the luck of having a birthday in May, right before summer. Which is when a lot of children’s movies come out, so of course those were my birthday celebrations. Movies! And what’s really special about this is I kind of view it as her making up for the time she didn’t have to enjoy these things before. I’m also very blessed because I’m the only daughter she has. I’m also the youngest. We ‘baby sat’ a little girl as well, but that ended by the time I was about ten. Strangely, although I had become almost a sort of older sister to the little girl we watched over, I still never viewed myself as one.

Now bring this into middle school and suddenly my mom and I could enjoy the same TV shows. I’d say as early as 6th grade I was watching “real” TV with her because, not to be arrogant but I’m always told I’m far more mature for my age than I should be. I’m an old soul, I would watch I Love Lucy with my mom on weekends when I was younger. I didn’t mind that it was in black and white. I had a love for crime dramas as well, simply because I could figure out killer pretty quickly. I started to use TV to boost my curiosity about the world. But thing was I never watched it without my mom. It wasn’t some sort of parental guidance at all, but we clearly enjoyed the same programs, and discussing them.

Summer before freshman year of highschool I remember doing my first real binge watch with my mom. And of course it was the most perfect series to choose from…

We watched Gilmore Girls.

I remember we had gone to the library one day, and I was looking around the CD selection because I had realized I could rip the CDs and put them onto my IPod Shuffle which meant I didn’t have to buy so many songs. I also really liked early 2000s soft rock music, from the likes of Snow Patrol, Five For Fighting, The Fray and so on. My mom was looking at the DVD rack. It had so many options on it. Dawsons Creek, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The X-files, ER, I’m sure Grey’s Anatomy was there, and Gilmore Girls! We started renting season after season from the library. It was great because my mom came home from work around 3-4 pm, she would make dinner, and then afterwards we would curl up in her bed and just BINGE.

The impact of watching a show with such a strong mother and daughter plot with your own mother is something I truly can’t explain. I felt such a strong connection to Rory Gilmore, because I was not in highschool yet but I had this feeling I would be like her when I was. (That turned out to be true and not true at the same time).Both active readers, dreamers, passion for journalism…so on. The wit and humor of the show was something my own mother and I also shared. That made my year once we completed all 7 seasons. I also felt very accomplished.

I mentioned this in a previous blog post but another notable series my mother and I binged together was Grey’s Anatomy. Which she had always watched. She started with the pilot and stopped after the season 8 finale, which was when she returned to working at a hospital. When I said I wanted to start it she decided it would be fun to rewatch. And it was fun having her beside me watching how I reacted to what she had seen years ago. I remember as we reached season 2, she kept teasing me because she knew the scene with the bulletin board and the panties would happen. Just the guessing game of who, what, why, and when was fun. And again Grey’s in a separate sense is about motherhood as well.

Gilmore Girls is known for it’s portrayal of Rory and Lorelai’s relationship, but also has Lorelai’s strained relationship with her own mother. There is a contrast there. Grey’s has a multitude of contrasts with the motherhood relationships. Watching with my own mother, who adamantly tells me to not put her in a home, and to let her go because she doesn’t want to suffer. While we watch Meredith deal with Ellis in a care home. It’s all this circle. Ironically enough my mom had just started a job where she works with Alzheimer patients as we started the show, which is why she tells me she doesn’t want a care home. She deals with these patients every day.

I connected very personally to Meredith Grey emotionally throughout the course of the series even if I did not have the same circumstances in my life. Of course my mom and I have fought, there’s a lot of things I still don’t tell her but I do have the option to and I suppose this weekend really taught me that I should take advantage of that.

My mom and I loved binging Grey’s so much, and even if we’ve not enjoyed the current seasons so much, we decided to go to Paley Fest together this past weekend. I’m only back from college for a week, because I’m that kid that didn’t go to a local californian college for TV. I attached to the Grey’s cast very closely, and have followed through being a pretty big fan of them because of my attraction to TV. I love to research, I’m a highly curious person. I spent middle school researching everything I could about the Harry Potter Film series, because I wanted to know how they did everything. Same with Grey’s, I researched everything. Then I like to analyze, and I find things that parallel between actors and stories, or what techniques used for scenes and so on.

At Paley Fest my mother and I sat side by side and watched 13×18. Which if you don’t know, is based on Maggie Pierce’s adoptive mother. It’s about their relationship as the nature of her breast cancer changes. It’s a beautiful episode, and was directed by leading lady, Ellen Pompeo. I could spend an entire page talking about the importance to the industry that Ellen directed her own episode, she joins the 13% of Women Directors in Hollywood, and is pushing to break boundaries. People still have the notion that actresses are simply pretty faces, but Ellen Pompeo is a pretty face with a compassionate soul, wisdom beyond her years, insightful mind, and amazing heart. But we need to cut to the chase here. Some background information that Ellen has mentioned in previous interviews is that her own mother died of a prescription drug overdose when she was about 4, almost 5.

As a viewer who thoroughly analyzes everything insanely, I had read this and I was immediately struck because I was like, the Meredith and Ellis storyline in GA is so strong, and you’d think that for an actress to portray that sense of anger and frustration, they had to know what fighting with your mom feels like. But in fact its the opposite. 13×18 has a voiceover about a note Ellis left for Meredith that was incomplete. The sense of being lost in what your mother wants for you, or wants to let you know is seen through the episode, and I can only assume that brings back to Ellen’s loss of a mother. I really don’t want to spoil the episode for anyone but I am so glad I watched this episode with my mother. I wouldn’t trade it for anything to know she’s right beside me.

Another moment that stood out for me and personally touched me was when the q&a started for the episode. It was emotional, almost everyone had wet eyes. Kelly McCreary was crying during her section of the panel. And again Ellen directly addresses the loss of her mother while discussing her direction of the episode. One particular scene, which I as a TV major adored so much because of the use of color theory and emotion conveyed through the simple set design, Ellen explained that she used yellows and oranges to represent sunshine. She associates sunshine with every mother and that warmth you get from the sun, is a mothers warmth.Obviously this painted a picture to me of Ellen seeing her own mother reflected in the warmth of the sun rays. It was very moving to watch, listen to, and feel with my own mother beside me.

The whole idea is that you have only so many moments and to live life the best you can, without worrying too far ahead and loose what’s in front of you. Living my life to the fullest is a little drab, but its warm and cozy curled up binge watching television with my mother. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Photo Mar 19, 12 22 50 PM

Seattle Nostaglia

How can you be nostalgic for a place you’ve never visited? How can you crave the air you know is filled with mist on spring mornings, or taste the freezing rain of the winter? What does it mean to know somewhere so personally but not at all?

I’m nostalgic for the idea of Seattle. I grew up in the pacific northwest in California, and it’s something special. The air tastes better there, always. I fell in love with the trees and the foggy mornings were something I craved. I attached so quickly to the idea of Seattle about 2 years ago for a passive, stupid reason. It was spring of junior year in high school, and everyone had started to binge watch Grey’s Anatomy. That binge watch became special to me because I didn’t just watch it to be in on the conversations in class- I didn’t start until some people were on season 3 or so, it became special because I watched with my mother.

My mom and I have a very close bond regarding TV and that is, that she and I watch almost everything together. We have since I started watching serious TV, and then realizing it was my career field. My mom actually began Grey’s when it started airing, I remember growing up and seeing our Tivo and then DVR fill up with Grey’s and Private Practice. She went back to work around the same time as season 8 started and gave up after the finale. So when I approached her and said I was going to binge, she decided to join me and said let’s get caught up. It was harmless and we didn’t know what was going to happen in just 3 months after we started to watch.

((hint 11×21))

There were so many moments, and for me personally I can easily place myself into a situation or environment and feel it around me after I’m touched by a show or movie, and so while the weather back home got like a typical Seattle day I feel as if it influenced my viewing. There is something so attractive about the environment put forward by the show, that it can not exist anywhere else. Somehow Seattle gets these nasty traumas but they aren’t in some busy city setting like LA, and time moves slowly. The first two seasons of Grey’s were the same year. The ferry boats which live on in infamy, although they exist in other cities are so intricately connected to Seattle itself. The idea of a cozy little hospital named Seattle Grace, just inside the city where these messy interns were starting the journey of a life time. It’s inseparable.

There’s a feeling of absolute home that I feel every time I throw on an older episode. I can breathe in the misty air they’re simulating, or the powerful storms that correlate to the emotions stirring at the time. It’s timeless, like a rainy day with a good book and a cup of tea. You know everyone but there’s a vast wilderness you don’t know- be it about people, medicine, or the wild forest where the trailer lives. It’s the chills that crawl up and down your spine each time Chasing Cars plays and you just know, everything’s falling apart but you cheer on because if the show has proved time and time again, it’s that the sun always rises. – Of course it rises behind rain filled clouds.

and god how I miss it so. I miss the stormy skies, running through the flooding parking lot to avoid your ex, slapping on of hello kitty band-aids, and rumbling storms of syphilis outbreaks. There is no denying that I don’t feel these things once I’ve caught up. The nostalgia is gone. I can’t entirely place why. I know my technical reasons because they changed sets, and lights, and the over intensity of HD sometimes can take it away as well. But there’s also the changing of the years. Like I said I was a child when Grey’s started, I was in first grade I believe? I’m an adult now. So something that always will slightly freak me out is how closely attached to Chasing Cars and How to save a life, I was when I was like 10 and to understand the pop culture history surrounding it now is such a interesting thing.

So I guess it’s when I watch older episodes, I see or hear things from my childhood really. I’m sure that I walked in on episodes my parents watched when I was younger as well. So I can see myself age as the pagers become Iphones and the charts become IPads. Maybe I don’t like that I’m aging. But I know one thing for sure that I will never grow out of Seattle mists.

I won’t ever let go of the fresh feeling of rain watering the trees, making mud out of the grass, and the taste of the water in the air. Just as I won’t let go of the stories, friends, the music, or the life lessons I listen to. I’m nostalgic for a city created in my head of a feeling that can never be replicated, nor destroyed only strengthened.