TV saved my life last fall

This post is going to be deeply personal for me, I just want to preface. I may cover topics such as implied sexual harassment, and mental health so I want to warn readers that I will try my best as to not be overtly detailed as to cause triggers. But I will let you know I do cover those topics. Also I have omitted names, as well as some other fine details because they’re too sensitive or not in my place to speak of.

So I started my first year of college last year. This drastically impacted me being across the country from home, being in a large city, and being alone from all my friends. It’s no surprise I felt depressed at times, or I struggled with opening myself up to making new friends. But something that really hindered this was my living situation at the time. I’ve opened up to close friends who know exactly what happened as I told them in real time because some of what I witnessed or lived through is quite honestly something so bizarre and unspoken about it could be a tv pilot.

But I do want to say that in that time Television was my solace. I had several moments inside my apartment where I did not feel safe. It was during this time that I sought out using the tv as a distraction. Thing is I would binge 30 Rock, and eventually completed the series last fall because it was all my distracted mind could focus on. That and Grey’s Anatomy. Which I had finished the year before and can basically recite like the back of my hand.

Now when I say I didn’t feel safe in my apartment you have to understand some things.

First, I shared a bedroom and a bunk bed with another girl. I was on the top bunk. She over the time spent in our room was a terrible roommate. And no it wasn’t that she was just loud. There’s really no excuse for doing laundry only twice from August 31st to October 28th. She would let her hamper overflow to the point where she began to leave laundry on her bed, she never put away clean clothes so they laid with the soiled ones, and then it became a large pile that stacked all the way up to our window sill. Once I climbed out of bed and found she had thrown a thong onto my chair. This was not all though of course it couldn’t be.

I told you I wasn’t safe.

See as the laundry accumulated, she had also moved out of our room. She began sleeping in our living room next to the couch on the floor, which she littered with instant noodles and chocolate pudding cups. She did not tell us why.  I, being a shy and timid person, had not really interacted with her much. Through all this she had boyfriend troubles so every few nights we all pitched in and did damage control for her emotionally. So as things progressed she just grew angry and agitated, coming back home from spending the night at her boyfriend’s dorm and slamming the bedroom door as she came in while I ‘slept’ (or pretended to be asleep so she wouldn’t talk to me). Throughout this time she had been coming in and out with her boyfriend through the days and there were a lot of moments where they had sex in the bathroom and we all could hear it. There wasn’t so much of a group text to let us know to leave. I was locked out of my bedroom without my phone once. But then she broke up with this boyfriend. There was a period of time where she would bring home random guys.

There is nothing wrong with a woman having a lot of sexual interaction, but when it puts other girls at risk that’s where it’s a problem. Not only was my roommate putting herself in danger with a stranger, she put us in danger as well. One such time when she was agitated if I remember correctly, I did what any logical person would have done. I went to the room next to mine, closed the door, sat on the floor with my other roommates and I made them watch the Grey’s Anatomy pilot.

Watching the pilot made me feel so at peace in a time where I did not know what was going to happen to me. I think what made such an impact on me was that I was watching characters who didn’t have a firm grasp on life as I did in that moment. They felt lost, they felt unsure of the world they had just stepped foot in and so did I. We felt safe for 43 minutes.

Then the random guys brought alcohol into the mix as well. So the girl I shared a bedroom with would bring men we both did not know home, while intoxicated and underage, and not tell any of us. I guess I slept through a few nights where my other roommate walked some of the men out of the apartment in the middle of the night because this girl was too drunk. So as this was happening I was sleeping.

I can not tell this story without mentioning that she sexually harassed my other roommate while drunk however that story is not mine to tell but I will say my story comes back into this because she and I discussed it a few days after.

I felt guilty over it because that was one night when this girl came home very drunk, crying and she eventually called her mom and she was very loud. It was 11 or 12 at night and I had an 8:30 the next morning so I closed our door, and tried to block out the noise. That was when the harassment occurred and I wish that I hadn’t shut down and knew what to do in the situation but I didn’t.

So the victim and I were talking about what happened and about reporting her when she tells me that the girl had been bragging to her the night before about having sex in her bunk with a random guy while I slept.

I couldn’t sleep for weeks. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t feel safe, my privacy had been violated. The worst part of all of that is that I do not know exactly what occurred and I do not know if I myself was touched by them at any point in time. My sense of self was so out of place from then because I truly do not know. I woke up clothed that is all knew.

We eventually reported her and that was when my other roommate and I began to binge Grey’s Anatomy together because it was something that took our mind off of what was happening. Suddenly we were afraid to come home at times we knew she was there.  The process of deciding to report her and to who was a messy blur. I remember hiding at our starbucks around the corner and then in our lobby until I knew she wasn’t there.

But once it came to the time where the sexual harassment offices got involved I did not report, although my roommate reported and then I went with her to follow up meetings with officials to verify her story with my own. It was because of this that the biggest incident happened.

I was sitting, doing homework on a Thursday afternoon where I didn’t have class. Everyone was having class. Or so I thought. She had been taken into the title ix offices and told of the accusations against her. I got a phone call from her that I stupidly picked up.

I heard “Why are you lying,” and I automatically responded by saying that it wasn’t me filing a claim against her that it was the other roommate and it was confidential so I could not discuss the case with her before hanging up.

I felt my heart racing to the point of I felt faint. My face was blushed, I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. I had no choice, I didn’t know when she was coming home. I did NOT want to see her. I felt in danger. I closed my laptop. I sent an email to my RA, I told her I didn’t feel safe and I also let my other roommate know. She asked me to come to her room. At this point I felt very weak. My heart was pounding in my ears, I felt the need to pack everything up because every bad thing I could think of raced through my head. What if she came back and broke my camera? My laptop? What if she stole my clothes? What if she…what if she-?

I eventually grabbed my purse and made my way down the hall. I knocked on my RA’s door. While I waited the elevator dinged multiple times, and each time I jumped with panic that it was this girl coming back to our apartment. Once inside my RA’s room she led me to her couch while she went to make a phone call to her adviser to tell her the situation.

I found myself on her couch watching whatever she had turned the TV to.

It was Grey’s Anatomy.

I didn’t touch anything, I didn’t even realize until my heart had slowed down and I heard that voice that made my days so much better.

Grey’s Anatomy actually saved my life. Hearing just the familiar voice of Meredith Grey that I had developed a connection to over 13 seasons actually ended my panic attack. At that moment nothing mattered. I watched for those five minutes before my RA came back in and talked to me. Those five minutes took me away from the emotional hell I had been living in for weeks. It took me to a hospital where I knew everyone’s name, and I didn’t feel at fear for what could happen to me. That’s all that mattered. Grey’s Anatomy made me feel safe. I will always be in debt to Shonda Rhimes, and to the cast, to Ellen Pompeo- for making a show so full of heart that it became the light in my dark.

and to my RA for  having it on. She didn’t know. She was catching up on some studying with it on as background noise when I came to her. TV transcends itself by being such a staple we live on and for me it was such a sign. TV came to me when I needed it the most. I needed it for an escape and it provided that. I don’t know what would have happened had it not been playing when I came over because it was such a terrifying situation. This girl was also bipolar and off her medication and had been for weeks. Her behavior was erratic and extreme which made me fear for my safety a lot and knowing she was angry at me led me to a lot of anxious thoughts.

Now that she’s gone, Grey’s doesn’t leave our TV often. After having binged the entire show my roommate promptly started again. It’s on when we eat, it’s on while we study- it brings peace to us because we had to make our apartment our safe space again. We didn’t move out, she did. But the places where she hurt us were still there.

“When something bad happens there’s always a handful of beautiful things that come out of it “- Ellen Pompeo

I write this because I was just diagnosed with anxiety/depression and I made a promise to myself. If Greys can last this long, why can’t I? Obviously my livelihood does not depend on the show but understanding that I have over 300 options of episodes to calm me down during the worst of times is comforting. It is time that I stop blaming myself, or questioning why this happened to me but to put myself forward to not be prisoner to my anxiety anymore. So what, something bad happened to me but I found beauty in how I was saved.

“What’s broken can be mended, what’s hurt can be healed. No matter how dark it gets, the sun’s gonna rise again”- Meredith Grey.

TV will always be there next year too.

It’ll be there and it’ll be safe.

tea: wildberry zinger 

Sunshine

I want to open this with a foreword, I had the privilege of being a member of the 2017 Paley Fest event featuring the Grey’s Anatomy cast yesterday afternoon. During this event they streamed 13×18, due to air in two weeks, and Ellen Pompeo’s directorial debut. I will try my hardest not to spoil the episode in this post but the overall theme of what was discussed and viewed hit very close to home for me and as such I will be mentioning that. This is your warning now.

My mother had a life change as we transitioned from the 90’s to the 2000s. She had been working at a hospital in the bay area, on night shifts forever. That didn’t change when I was born either. Due to this she missed a lot of pop culture television, for example she didn’t get to watch Friends. She only watched whatever was on in the hospital offices at the time. In 2001, when I was 3 or 4, we moved and then she decided to become a stay at home mom while being a paid “nanny” close personal friends. My mother was taking care of up to 5 kids at once, when only 3 were her own. Throughout this time tv was obviously an educational tool as we grew up.

Let’s talk about how my passion for TV developed from this, since I am a TV major after all. We had a Tivo I remember, and what I would do before elementary school is as I got ready and ate breakfast- this was before I had developed my craving to watch broadcast news-I would watch as much as I could of something we had taped. I also did this with DVDs. I would watch until I finished my breakfast and then got ready, and watched a little bit more because my mom needed to wait for the 2 other kids to be dropped off at our house for carpool. It was a routine of mine, and my mom never found it to be an issue. I mean I was watching children’s programs after all.

My mom was always constantly encouraging me, and watching with me, and taking me to movies too. I have the luck of having a birthday in May, right before summer. Which is when a lot of children’s movies come out, so of course those were my birthday celebrations. Movies! And what’s really special about this is I kind of view it as her making up for the time she didn’t have to enjoy these things before. I’m also very blessed because I’m the only daughter she has. I’m also the youngest. We ‘baby sat’ a little girl as well, but that ended by the time I was about ten. Strangely, although I had become almost a sort of older sister to the little girl we watched over, I still never viewed myself as one.

Now bring this into middle school and suddenly my mom and I could enjoy the same TV shows. I’d say as early as 6th grade I was watching “real” TV with her because, not to be arrogant but I’m always told I’m far more mature for my age than I should be. I’m an old soul, I would watch I Love Lucy with my mom on weekends when I was younger. I didn’t mind that it was in black and white. I had a love for crime dramas as well, simply because I could figure out killer pretty quickly. I started to use TV to boost my curiosity about the world. But thing was I never watched it without my mom. It wasn’t some sort of parental guidance at all, but we clearly enjoyed the same programs, and discussing them.

Summer before freshman year of highschool I remember doing my first real binge watch with my mom. And of course it was the most perfect series to choose from…

We watched Gilmore Girls.

I remember we had gone to the library one day, and I was looking around the CD selection because I had realized I could rip the CDs and put them onto my IPod Shuffle which meant I didn’t have to buy so many songs. I also really liked early 2000s soft rock music, from the likes of Snow Patrol, Five For Fighting, The Fray and so on. My mom was looking at the DVD rack. It had so many options on it. Dawsons Creek, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The X-files, ER, I’m sure Grey’s Anatomy was there, and Gilmore Girls! We started renting season after season from the library. It was great because my mom came home from work around 3-4 pm, she would make dinner, and then afterwards we would curl up in her bed and just BINGE.

The impact of watching a show with such a strong mother and daughter plot with your own mother is something I truly can’t explain. I felt such a strong connection to Rory Gilmore, because I was not in highschool yet but I had this feeling I would be like her when I was. (That turned out to be true and not true at the same time).Both active readers, dreamers, passion for journalism…so on. The wit and humor of the show was something my own mother and I also shared. That made my year once we completed all 7 seasons. I also felt very accomplished.

I mentioned this in a previous blog post but another notable series my mother and I binged together was Grey’s Anatomy. Which she had always watched. She started with the pilot and stopped after the season 8 finale, which was when she returned to working at a hospital. When I said I wanted to start it she decided it would be fun to rewatch. And it was fun having her beside me watching how I reacted to what she had seen years ago. I remember as we reached season 2, she kept teasing me because she knew the scene with the bulletin board and the panties would happen. Just the guessing game of who, what, why, and when was fun. And again Grey’s in a separate sense is about motherhood as well.

Gilmore Girls is known for it’s portrayal of Rory and Lorelai’s relationship, but also has Lorelai’s strained relationship with her own mother. There is a contrast there. Grey’s has a multitude of contrasts with the motherhood relationships. Watching with my own mother, who adamantly tells me to not put her in a home, and to let her go because she doesn’t want to suffer. While we watch Meredith deal with Ellis in a care home. It’s all this circle. Ironically enough my mom had just started a job where she works with Alzheimer patients as we started the show, which is why she tells me she doesn’t want a care home. She deals with these patients every day.

I connected very personally to Meredith Grey emotionally throughout the course of the series even if I did not have the same circumstances in my life. Of course my mom and I have fought, there’s a lot of things I still don’t tell her but I do have the option to and I suppose this weekend really taught me that I should take advantage of that.

My mom and I loved binging Grey’s so much, and even if we’ve not enjoyed the current seasons so much, we decided to go to Paley Fest together this past weekend. I’m only back from college for a week, because I’m that kid that didn’t go to a local californian college for TV. I attached to the Grey’s cast very closely, and have followed through being a pretty big fan of them because of my attraction to TV. I love to research, I’m a highly curious person. I spent middle school researching everything I could about the Harry Potter Film series, because I wanted to know how they did everything. Same with Grey’s, I researched everything. Then I like to analyze, and I find things that parallel between actors and stories, or what techniques used for scenes and so on.

At Paley Fest my mother and I sat side by side and watched 13×18. Which if you don’t know, is based on Maggie Pierce’s adoptive mother. It’s about their relationship as the nature of her breast cancer changes. It’s a beautiful episode, and was directed by leading lady, Ellen Pompeo. I could spend an entire page talking about the importance to the industry that Ellen directed her own episode, she joins the 13% of Women Directors in Hollywood, and is pushing to break boundaries. People still have the notion that actresses are simply pretty faces, but Ellen Pompeo is a pretty face with a compassionate soul, wisdom beyond her years, insightful mind, and amazing heart. But we need to cut to the chase here. Some background information that Ellen has mentioned in previous interviews is that her own mother died of a prescription drug overdose when she was about 4, almost 5.

As a viewer who thoroughly analyzes everything insanely, I had read this and I was immediately struck because I was like, the Meredith and Ellis storyline in GA is so strong, and you’d think that for an actress to portray that sense of anger and frustration, they had to know what fighting with your mom feels like. But in fact its the opposite. 13×18 has a voiceover about a note Ellis left for Meredith that was incomplete. The sense of being lost in what your mother wants for you, or wants to let you know is seen through the episode, and I can only assume that brings back to Ellen’s loss of a mother. I really don’t want to spoil the episode for anyone but I am so glad I watched this episode with my mother. I wouldn’t trade it for anything to know she’s right beside me.

Another moment that stood out for me and personally touched me was when the q&a started for the episode. It was emotional, almost everyone had wet eyes. Kelly McCreary was crying during her section of the panel. And again Ellen directly addresses the loss of her mother while discussing her direction of the episode. One particular scene, which I as a TV major adored so much because of the use of color theory and emotion conveyed through the simple set design, Ellen explained that she used yellows and oranges to represent sunshine. She associates sunshine with every mother and that warmth you get from the sun, is a mothers warmth.Obviously this painted a picture to me of Ellen seeing her own mother reflected in the warmth of the sun rays. It was very moving to watch, listen to, and feel with my own mother beside me.

The whole idea is that you have only so many moments and to live life the best you can, without worrying too far ahead and loose what’s in front of you. Living my life to the fullest is a little drab, but its warm and cozy curled up binge watching television with my mother. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Photo Mar 19, 12 22 50 PM

Actors are not their characters except when they are

You know the phrase. You know that actors are simply acting as their characters. Nothing more nothing less. Actors well they act. It’s simply their profession. This phrase is very handy in dealing with actors who are playing villainous roles and not quite the most amazing human beings. You write off what they’re doing as a character and make sure that crazy internet stalkers can distinguish them as a real person.

Acting is a real and true profession one of which I respect with my whole heart and it is actors that have had a great and profound influence on my life. But that’s just it right there. Actors have influenced me, and so have their characters. I think we need to discuss that while actors are not their entire characters, in situations such as TV especially, an actor is our first experience of a character.

What I mean by this is obviously characters are the sum of their writing but each actor has their own flare and style, yes? So you take that style and apply it to a character and thus you get what culture perceives as what character was written. Little bits and pieces of an actor are sprinkled through out each character. Which is why I really don’t like to ‘separate’ them so much more as fluently understand who the writer wanted portrayed and what really comes through in an actor. I don’t believe seeing portions of themselves in a character is bad acting because I think some people can only play a role if they’ve experienced a said feeling.

It’s fun to see an actor’s quirks and how they bring those to the table, or nevertheless hid them from the table. I believe in strong characters coming from strong actors. Or if they haven’t been in that emotional situation then they can empathize with it and that’s what’s very important. Empathy.

Empathy is a wonderful thing and I don’t think we have as much of it as we once did. Empathy towards actors is also important. I don’t want to go on too long about it but we have to treat actors as they are. Human. That’s simply it and have empathy for them despite their lifestyle. Behind every ‘rich’ person there is a person who’s dedicated to their craft and we should treat with respect as we would a coworker or friend.

Sometimes actors can be their characters, they can feel them so deeply and be so moved that they sign on for that very reason. Are they always exactly their characters? No. And don’t expect them to be throwing every ounce of themselves behind someone who’s a polar opposite on them. Just simply watch and see, let them show you who they are and who they play. Sometimes its not what you expect.

New Year; New emotions?

Can we really stick to our resolutions? Does anyone actually succeed in reinventing themselves or is that a lie hollywood just wants us to believe? It’s hard to follow resolutions, and it’s hard when you’re not someone who normally flakes but you just can’t do it.

Fiercely determined yet a failure of personal life is something I know only too well. It’s a trait I share with fictional and hollywood loves, I am a personal mess. I know this.

” Being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap is very different.”- Cristina Yang

I am aware of my crap, but can I over come it? Is it truly possible for me? I’m not entirely sure as a creature of habit. Humans can retrain their brains, they can hardwire themselves differently but will it ever be enough? Will it really help you?  I wish I knew if I could do it, and if my stubborn brain would not resist. Knowing what you must do helps very little if you can not accomplish what you must do. As new year is rung in, we must think and consider if we set the bar too high for ourselves.

Do I want a thicker skin, an ability to let things go and be unbothered? Sure I do. Do I want the side effects of that? My loss of high levels of empathy, my sensitivity to others feelings, and my own understanding of my emotions- for all that to leave?

Do I want to be less stubborn? Who doesn’t? But I don’t need to have a black and white view on everything. I need to see in shades of grey. I need to be able to understand the benefits of my mess instead of trying to rewire it. To understand that my stubbornness should rear itself in times it truly benefits me instead of me pushing away the entire notion of it entirely.

My goals for 2017 are highly crafted for myself, and that’s how it should be. My resolutions are between me and I.

Quit putting yourself down for feeling and be amazed at the wonder it gives you. The deep joy that words can simply touch you, and make you feel alive.

“You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s ok to let down your guard. In fact, sometimes it’s the best thing you can do, as long as you choose your moments wisely.”- Meredith Grey

You don’t need to control yourself. You need to embrace yourself.

love from 2016

Drink: lemongrass ginger & citrus tea

Omens

“I think the person I have a crush on I might be talking to right now,”

“Oh Shit. I really do have a crush on you too,”

The air was full of the mouthwatering smell of hot dogs on a grill. My hands were wet and stained from tie-dying. I was having the time of my life. My heart was pounding while I typed. It felt right I suppose at the time. The night went on, and I pulled out my camera. I have a love for taking photos on that day. The lights, the bright in the dark, everything’s pretty. We’re celebrating our life, so it only feels right. The wind picked up.

It’s like the wind knew I was making a mistake. It was telling me to not do what I did. It blew and it blew and it didn’t knock down my thoughts of you until I was too far in. I was too deep. My phone was in my pocket and I was promising to talk to you in the morning. My best friend pulled out a sparkler with green tips on the ends. She lit it as the sun started to set behind the clouds. The skyline was golden, and I have to admit…I kept one photo of it. Just that one before it all went bad.

The photos were beautiful, but then again they always are. Sometimes when I shoot I just go trigger happy with the shutter and I pray for the best. Kind of like button smashing in a video game. Its messy, like me I know. But sometimes when I have time, I take my time. Maybe we were trigger happy? I mean I created a goddamn playlist for you within the next week I’m sure. I can’t check for dates since it’s been deleted.

But as that sparkler was lit, and the wind bellowed across the valley the real omen came. All it took was one spark.

See we ran across the court to the field. It was golden brown with drought ridden grass, and we didn’t even consider anything. I was vain in the moment but who isn’t? The single ember fell and suddenly everything was on fire. The dead grass was burnt to a crisp. We swore profanities and our hearts beat out of our chests. Here I was having just gotten into a relationship when I could be in trouble in mere seconds. My heart was beating already from the idea of falling for a girl, and then now I was anxious over the fire. Fight or flight sparked within me. I automatically fought.We were saved by kind neighbors, drowning the flames in water.

We smothered the fire…maybe I smothered you was what it was.

Maybe omens exist for a reason but thing is we may know something is an omen or a sign but always after the fact. No one sees a terrible thing in the distance. We all have strong gut instincts, I do for sure, and I always follow my gut but what happens when your gut doesn’t give you the warning? What omen is there for you follow? It’s not there, or you’re too blind to follow it. I accidentally lit a field on fire the night I got together with my first ex girlfriend. That doesn’t just happen you know?

We were always burning but the problem about burning love is that it doesn’t last. When you light a match, it burns the entire match. Fire destroys. Our hearts were kindling that love took a hold of, and set ablaze. What’s left is bitter, coarse, and burnt remains of what once was. The screenshots and the texts, the, now blocked, numbers, snapchats, instagrams, and twitters.

Omens are always there if you look hard enough.

drink: Country Peach passion from celestial tea fruit sampler pack

Just like life

This is a follow up I suppose. My last post was all about how my life restarted as the snow fell across Chicago, which by the way has become a winter hell vortex. And now?  My school semester has ended. I survived in more ways than one, but enough about that. Maybe another time.

Something I noticed while trudging through the streets, being pelted with snow, and a wind chill was that- snow isn’t like rain. Rain falls steadily and fast, or sometimes slow with heavy drops. But it’s always the same way. Its straight forward, it falls down to the ground in steady streams. But with snow…snow is more like life. It’s crazy. It’s erratic. It stops and starts again. It falls in the most beautiful way, it floats down from the sky. It goes left or right but it’s path is never straight forward. Life isn’t straight forward, and it shouldn’t be. My life this semester wasn’t. But I shouldn’t expect it to, and I have to work on that.

I like control. I like order and structure and when I can’t control something I get anxious. It’s no surprise I was planning my first year of college since I was in middle school, and it was no accident that I got where I am today. I worked and I worked. It’s probably why I tend to focus on live TV technical producing, I control what’s on screen. Why I like to edit. Because I put everything together, I’m calling the shots for the project. But this need for structure and control goes beyond just career, it impacts everything.

Even relationships. Not to say that I’m a terrible person in relationships but control is a powerful thing. Repetition and control of that. I have to let that go. I have to stop expecting everything to be so perfect or shaped how my mind wants it. I have to let my love take me in different ways that I never expected. I should want spontaneity- which is hard when social anxiety is constantly telling me to plan every single event I ever go to. Being in love with the unexpected is hard, and very hard to say yes to.

This year I picked up Year Of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, and it struck me because it was me. Simply me. The excuses, the neverminds, I ‘never say yes to anything. I wouldn’t be so brave to claim that 2017 will be my year of yes, because I know my faults, but it’s time to stop shying away from what I truly need.

My life should be like the snow. It should be me falling gently through hardships and letting life take me where it’s supposed to.

(like someone’s masterclass and Hamilton SF 2017...)

Drink of choice this post? Kava Stress Relief from yogi tea (which I ironically didn’t open until after my finals were over. It’ll keep me company while I continue my Jake Gyllenhaal movie binge watch between plane delay watching.)

The First Snow

December 4th 2016. Let’s preface this by saying that where I come from there’s no snow. No snow on Christmas, most people drive hours to get to Tahoe to get even the smallest amount of it. It’s not anything I’m used to. So I checked the weather maybe sometime mid last week and my eyes lit up. There I saw the little snowflake icon in the iphone weather app. Snow!

My life took a turn this past week full of me getting a nasty viral bug, a pretty bad breakup, and the stress of finals finally taking a toll on me. So to see snow on the weather app, kind of made my day. Yesterday I eventually pulled myself out of the hole of wallow and self pity you generally get in during a breakup and I went outside (and got myself some chinese food). It was still ‘the night before’ but in straight up Lorelai Gilmore fashion, I could taste the snow in the air. I knew this taste before. When I was 12 I attended a science camp up towards Tahoe in California, it snowed in April during our trip. We were all severely under prepared but I remembered that taste. It’s not something you forget.

I fell asleep excited and I woke up just an hour before snowfall today.

Snow is magic. 

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You know I’m surrounded by natives here who deal with the snow every year and they complain about how wet it is and it makes everything cold. You’re damp for hours afterwards and it’s just a hassle. But for me this snow is something new, it’s fresh, and realizing it now…snow is a reset button.

When I first saw the flakes come down past my window this afternoon a sense of renewal burst through me. I just got through a messy break up and the snow spoke to me. It told me that it’s okay to start again. You get a fresh life when it snows.

I did venture into the snow today, and I took one deep breath and smiled as it came pouring down ontop of me. It soaked my beanie, it made my knees damp, I was finally able to wear those snow boots I bought,  and those flakes got very close to my eyes. But I was starting over. I walked, smiling at everyone I saw. I tasted the air, I tasted the actual snow, and I felt good. Some areas of the side walk were slushy, others were firm. There was a beautiful small garden park covered in a white wonderland. I didn’t take a picture because the snow was so heavy out. I paused when I stopped at streetlights and just let the snow fall over me. I let it fall onto the palm of my gloves. It covered my hair, and my purse, and my jacket. But I was okay with it. I started to see this white blanket cover everything and it covered me until I got home. I feel clean. I feel refreshed, and I feel like I can accomplish things. I no longer feel weighted down by my mistakes of 2016.

That’s the story of how I pushed reset on my life while going to buy milk at Trader Joe’s during the snow.

Drink of choice this post? Trader Joe’s brand peppermint hot cocoa x